Thursday, September 30, 2010

Payslip



Putangina. Halos kalahati lang sinweldo ko. Paano ako mabubuhay nito?


Palimos po. Spare me a piece of bread.

Bisaya Christmas Song






Maayong pasko!
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Maayong paskooooo!!
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MAAYONG PASKOOOOO!!!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Acceptance

Things have indeed gone ugly. Allow me to say my last piece about this.

A friend once told me that to forget a great love you need an equally great amount of hate. Of course, i disagreed, being the hopeless romantic that I was back then. How can two people who shared so much possibly end up hating each other? It’s impossible for something that special to just be forgotten and replaced by something as ugly as hate. That was my argument.

Silly me, that’s what I ended up doing these past weeks. I was hurt when you called me abusive and the relationship we had as bullshit-peppered. I retaliated and took my turn at hurling mud. I was pathetic, I admit it now. And I’m sorry. I hope you will accept this last apology from me.

Please don’t think that what we had was a lie. Our love was not a lie. It was real. We were happy. Yes, we ended badly, but that doesn’t erase anything. Nothing can, not even hate. I tried to hate you, i tried to look for reasons to be angry at you, but I only ended up more wounded and bitter. I realized that what I needed to give was not hate but acceptance. I just have to accept that our happy times together have ended.

It will take time. That’s where we went wrong. We were in such a hurry to move on that we resorted to the hate route. But I’m going to stop it now. Our years together can’t possibly be forgotten in a few weeks. Trying to move on so fast would be insulting what we had. I will move on in time.

Until then, I will keep crying every time I watch Glee. I will keep starting our Pokemon Dungeon rescue game and levelling up your Corsola. I will keep picking up an extra pair of spoon and fork by mistake. I will keep turning my head every time my seatmate sprays on her perfume. I will keep checking if the empty Oreo wrapper is still in my bag. I will keep finding myself staring at your name in my phonebook. I will keep wishing I’d hear “Jajap ko” one more time.

And the image of you hugging my bag and waiting for me to come back to you that night, I will keep remembering it until it no longer hurts.


Philip ko,

Sorry naging tarantado ako. Sana mapatawad mo ako balang araw. Pero minahal kita, yun ang totoo. Maraming salamat sa lahat. Hinding hindi ko makakalimutan ang pinagsamahan natin.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Buhok

Walang ibang ma-post. Kaya ipopost ko na lang ang mga naging buhok ko in the past year.

Bilang wala akong camera, lahat ng pics ko eh puro may kasama. Kaya halatang naka crop lang lahat ng pics ko dito. At maliliit lahat.

Hayaan niyo na. Kita pa din naman ata.

1.
Ito ang una. Yan hair ko nung kakastart pa lang magtrabaho. Halatang fresh grad. Wala man lang perang pampagupit. Tsaka matagal din akong long hair, pakiramdam ko nun di ko na kayang pakawalan. Therefore, tambay look pa rin sa loob ng ilang bwan.






2.
Eto ang next. In fairness, may pera na. Pero di ko pa din kayang pakawalan ang aking long hair. Nanghinayang ako, ang tagal na din kasing mahaba ang buhok ko. Ayan, lumabas na emo.








3.
Ayan, nag decide na akong mag let go sa long hair. Kaso di pa din sanay. Kita niyo naman, ni hindi marunong mag-ayos. Kaya ayun, parang forever out of bed ang itsura.





4.
At dahil nga nasanay na ilang bwan ang pagitan ng pagpapagupit, eto, umabot sa awkward stage. Di mo malaman kung long ba o short. Thick ang kinalabasan.








5.
Pero eventually, natuto din. Nagpapagupit na every month. At kahit papano eh marunong na ding gumamit ng clay. Ganito pa din more or less ang buhok ko ngayon. Short na tirik tirik sa tuktok. Pag hinayaang humaba eh nagmumukhang troll.










Pero nabobore na ulit ako sa buhok ko. Parang gusto kong magpa long hair ulit. Kinausap ko na yung stylist ko nung nakaraan, aalalayan namin ang pagtubo ni hair para maganda kalabasan pag nag long hair ulit ako.


Yun lang. Nawa'y may napulot kayong aral sa post ko. Sa susunod sana nasa kundisyon na ako para magsulat nang may kabuluhan. Lol.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Risk # 2


He was walking slowly, looking at the pieces of flesh before him, a predator on the prowl.

We were the willing prey, waiting to be devoured.

I leaned against the wall, letting the darkness hide as much as it can. I watched as he paused in front of the others and examined each one, slowly making his way to me. He passed by each one, seemingly unsatisfied.

Then he came to me and stopped. He stared at my face before his gaze crept down slowly until it reached my shoes, then came back up. He smiled and moved closer; he had chosen his target for the night. My heart beat fast as we stood inches from each other. I knew what was about to happen. It was something I had been wanting to experience, but at that moment, when it was actually happening, I found myself scared. I wanted to run away but I had allowed myself to stray too close to escape.

I moved towards the seats but he stopped me; he wanted me right there. He pounced without warning, going for my neck first. I felt his lips, his teeth and his tongue on my skin. One hand crept to my head and the other one to my back. He pulled me closer and buried his face further as I tried to stifle a moan.

The others moved in to cover us as he slowly moved his way down.

I closed my eyes as I felt my pants being pulled down. My mind was too clouded with lust and fear to do anything else. Heck, if I had been thinking clearly, I would not have gone there in the first place. It was something that I had been craving for, and every caress of his fingers, every rub of his palm and every flick of his tongue only fuelled that craving.

Then he suddenly stopped. He stood up, turned around and pushed down his trousers. I realized what he wanted me to do. I knew at the back of my mind that it was too risky, but by then I was already too intoxicated with pleasure to resist.

We were both panting. My arms were wrapped around his waist and I was thrusting with total abandon. His whimpers were delicious; it was as if the tables had been turned. I drove harder and harder, desperate for release. There was a gun fight in front of us. Cars were flying. I was vaguely able to make out an explosion as I reached my own climax.

I looked around us while trying to regain my senses. The others were smiling, obviously satisfied with the double feature. Some even clapped their hands. Others tried to have a taste, like they assumed that they were going to get their turn, but I was too spent. I slowly walked out. The doors have not even closed yet when I broke into a run.


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I wrote this a couple of months ago. Some of you may have read this already in Alterjon's blog. I asked him to publish it for me since I can't publish this back then. 

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Big(?) Reveal

I am going to do something reckless again.

Spontaneity has gotten the better of me too many times over the long weekend. Weekend’s over but here’s one more kick.

I have already told some of you about this and there are some who just figured it out on their own. I'm not really sure why I'm doing this. It may or may not give an added perspective for some of you. Whatever, I’m too tired to care.

I am Pipo’s ex.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Top 10: Disgrace To My Stereotype

There are certain things people expect from you when you're gay. Of course, we're not required to follow the labels. But sometimes, it gets a bit frustrating for me when I try to do things that should come naturally for gays and yet seem so hard for me.



Top Ten Reasons Why I'm a Disgrace to My Stereotype


10.
I can't sing well in falsetto. My gay friends would always belt out Regine Velasquez, Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston songs when we sing in videoke. I tried it a few times and it didn't sound good. And dammit, it hurt.

9.
I look awkward when I dance in clubs. My "dance" involves raising my arms and flailing them around while trying to shake my hips. A girl friend told me that I looked like a sleazy dude when I danced. My ex told me I looked like a monkey.

8.
I don't know how to use make-up. Heck, I don't even know how to powder my face. I always ask someone else to put them on me.

7.
I am always late when it comes to gossip, be that celebrity gossip or real-life. This was what made one of my friends actually tell me that I was disgrace to my stereotype. I was shocked when they told me that two of our batchmates were already together. Apparently, they had been together for a couple of years already.

6.
I don't dress well. You'll almost always see me wearing a shirt, jeans and dilapidated shoes.

5.
In relation to #6, I don't enjoy watching fashion TV or reading fashion magazines. I am just absolutely clueless when it comes to fashion. I watched "Launch My Line" once, and the clothes I thought looked good were bashed by the judges.

4.
I'm a slob. My room has clothes strewn across the floor. There are coins and empty cigarette packs in every corner. When I finish eating junk food, I just put down the wrapper and leave it there until I decide to clean up, which usually happens once every week. And I sleep on the floor.

3.
I am no good at giving blow jobs. I tire after ten bobs. My jaws start to hurt after two minutes. Um.. Yeah.

2.
I feel really uncomfortable using gay speak. I use "friend", "teh" and "kebs" and I just recently started to use "chos", but full-blown gay speak (example from badinggerzie: Witchelles naman akey nalurkey nang bonggang-bongga) is beyond me. I try, but it is always badly-delivered.

1.
I don't have gaydar. A person will have to tell me outright that he or she is gay. Otherwise, I won't have a clue. Yeah, even our trans friends. I always mistake them for biological females.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

TMI

 Me and Ashi, a female friend from college, on our second round of beer.


Ashi: Kumusta na kayo ni Dainn?

Ex Jason: Eto, break pa din. Hehe. Pero nakikipagbalikan ako. Ikaw ba, meron kang boyfriend ngayon?

Ashi: Um… Boylet lang.

Ex Jason: Okaaay, paki-define ng “boylet”.

Ashi: Nanligaw sakin dati kaso ayoko pa ng bf. So naging fubu na lang. Ang hot kasi eh.

Ex Jason: Teka, nakwento mo na ‘to sakin last Feb. Sabi mo nun ititigil mo na siya ah.

Ashi: Oo nga. Sabi ko nga. Last week sabi ko sa kanya wag na siya pumunta sa bahay kasi ipagtatabuyan ko talaga siya.

Ex Jason: O, anong nangyari?

Ashi: Yun, sinundo niya ako kanina kasi magpapasama ako somewhere. Tapos pumasok siya magpapahinga daw muna siya. Tinabihan ako sa kama. Tapos yun na.

Ex Jason: Wow. Kahanga-hangang self control. Talagang nakarating siya sa kama mo. Ano nangyari sa ipagtatabuyan?

Ashi: Eh ang galing niya kasi eh. Pag hinawakan na kasi boobs ko, wala na.

Ex Jason: Haha! Sabagay ako din, sobrang turn on din sakin pag dinidilaan nipples ko. Tapos yung kamay eh nasa baba, nagtatrabaho.

Ashi: Uy talaga? Masarap ba yun?

Ex Jason: Oo, sa akin. Napapatayo pa nga ako minsan eh. Sabay hawak ng kamay sa ulo ko. Parang, “Sige, gawin mo kahit ano gusto mo!”

Ashi: Tapos may “please” sa dulo? “Gawin mo please!” Haha! Si boylet kakaloka, mahilig mag dirty talk. Bigla na lang masasabing “Yeah, you like it?”

Ex Jason: Eh di sagutin mo. “Yes.”

Ashi: Nag-practice nga ako para hindi naman siya ma bore sakin. Pag mag isa lang ako sa apartment nirereview ko yung mga ginagawa namin tapos nag iisip ako ng isasagot.

Ex Jason: Haha! Ayan, pwede ka nang maging scriptwriter! Bakit ba kasi hirap na hirap ka?

Ashi: Eh kami kasi nung ex ko sanay sa public places kaya dapat tahimik. Or kung di man public place eh there’s someone else in the room or in the other room at talagang maririnig kami.

Ex Jason: Oh? Kami ni ex noon hindi na nagbobother na tumahimik. Rinig kami ng nasa kabila pag may ginagawa. Rinig din namin sila pag sila naman. Give and take.

Ashi: Panalo, friend. Haha! Teka pala, na try mo na ba sumaling orgy?

Ex Jason: Foursome lang.

Ashi: Ah, foursome.

Ex Jason: Eh ikaw?

Ashi: Di pa, pero willing akong mag threesome.

Ex Jason: Two guys or dalawa kayong girls?

Ashi: Ok lang either.

Ex Jason: Would you kiss the other girl kung sakali?

Ashi: Ok lang sakin.

Ex Jason: Ooh, sounds like you’ve tried it before. Haha!

Ashi: Haha! Ikaw ba, have you tried it with a girl?

Ex Jason: Nope, but I’ve tried kissing some of my lesbian friends.

Ashi: Haha! Well, I guess that counts.

Ex Jason: Ano pang crazy stuff ang nagawa mo maliban sa public places?

Ashi: Um, di naman siya crazy sex experience, pero may weird ako na fetish. Gusto ko pag sinasakal. Pero ex ko lang gumagawa sakin nun.

Ex Jason: Oh? Teka, pano niyo nalaman na gusto mo ng ganun?

Ashi: Ano.. Napahawak siya sa leeg ko nung isang beses, tapos nagustuhan ko. Tapos ano.. diniin niya lalo, napaungol ako lalo..

Ex Jason: O bakit ka nagbablush? Uy, naconscious! Hahaha!

Ashi: Hahaha!


*Silence habang sabay napainom ng beer.*


Ex Jason: Grabe, samantalang noon ang pinag uusapan lang natin eh favorite pancit canton flavor.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Worth It

“Did you come here to drink or to text?” Rachelle asked Mariem, obviously irritated. Mariem had been fiddling with her phone ever since we arrived at the bar.

“Sorry, it’s boyfie. He’s checking up on me,” Mariem apologized while still busily typing at her phone.

“What are you, sixteen?” Rachelle said with her brow raised.

“Hey, leave her alone. She has to report to her superior,” I teased.

“Wow, thank God you’re here Jason. Otherwise there would be no one on my side,” Mariem shot back as she tried to hit me on the head.

“Yeah, you’re one to talk,” Rachelle said, now smirking at me. “You still text your ex every day. And now you’re even trying to win him back.”

“How’s that working out for you, anyway?” Mariem asked as she looked up at me.

“Hey, wait a minute, we’re talking about Mariem here, not me.”

“Whatever,” Rachelle said before she took a swig of her beer. “You’re both the same. You make fools of yourselves because of your guys. Take Mariem, for instance. She’s a free-spirited girl. Her boyfriend, on the other hand, is boring. I mean, he wouldn’t even come with her when we go out for a drink. And yet he wants her to report to him everything that she does while she’s out.”

Mariem fell silent.

“And how exactly am I the same? I cheated on my guy, remember?” I pointed out. “Now I’m trying to make things right.”

“Yes, but you’re not the type of guy who flourishes when leashed. You said that yourself,” she argued. “And yet now you’re trying to win him back. Why go through all that trouble?”

I fell silent for a moment as well. Why indeed?

“Because I realized that he’s worth it,” I answered.

Mariem smiled. “Yes, they’re really worth it, aren’t they?”

We looked at each other and laughed.

“To the guys who are worth it,” I said as I raised my bottle.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Coming Out To My Mom

“May kailangan ba akong malaman tungkol sa’yo?” My mom’s voice was stern. It was just over the phone but I still cringed. It was just like when I was still a little boy: me cowering while she scolded me for breaking my toy. Only this time, it was my life that I was ruining.

The semester was already coming to a close. Graduation day was approaching and I was supposed to be among those who will march. But I failed to finish my Special Problem, which meant I was going to be extended for yet another semester. My mother went ballistic when I told her. She can’t be blamed, really; I had already exceeded our curriculum’s span by two years. That was because I messed everything up on my third year. Now that I was going to add another semester to my stay in the university, my mother can’t help but think that I was messing up again. She was going to get answers if she has to beat them out of me. Yeah, just like when I was a still a little boy.

“Ano’ng kailangang malaman?” I asked in a small voice.

“Tungkol sa’yo. Tungkol sa personality mo.”

She knew. Of course she did, she was my mother. No matter how I try, I can never keep a secret from her. The problem is, whenever I confirm her suspicions, she gets angry. That’s why I’m always apprehensive when she tries to squeeze a confession out of me. Besides, why was she asking me this at this time? Does she think it was to blame for my delay? Or was she simply taking advantage of my helplessness to make me answer the question that has long been bothering her?

“Ma.. Kasi..” My voice was helpless, pleading even.

“Anak, sige na. Sabihin mo na sa akin kung ano man yan.”

I started to cry. The day that I had been dreading had come, and her attempt at a comforting voice did not help at all. Was she just pretending that she will be a good sport no matter what I was going to tell her? I was not sure, but I was inclined to think that way. Blame it on the countless times we’ve been through similar situations. This was also what she did three years ago when I screwed up big time in school. She made me believe that she was on my side and that we were going to fix my problems together. Instead, she pulled me out of school for one semester and tried to fix me.

“Anak, kahit ano pa ang mangyari, nanay mo ako. Kakampi mo ako,” she said gently.

I was taken aback. I didn’t expect such gentleness from her voice. It got me to thinking maybe I was too quick to judge her. She was my mother after all, and mothers are supposed to know best.

“Jason, anak, bakla ka ba?” The dreaded question suddenly came. The moment had been building up to this, but I was still unprepared.

I figured my life was already falling to pieces, might as well get this over with now. What’s one more piece?

“Oo ma,” I said between sobs. “At may boyfriend ako. Malapit na kami mag two years.”

There was dead silence from her end.

“Ma, wala tong kinalaman sa SP ko. Hindi ito ang reason kung bakit hindi ko yun natapos. Pero tinanong mo na din kaya eto, inaamin ko na din. Ma, I’m gay.”

The silence continued. Trust my life to always be replete with telenovela scenes. Just weeks ago my boyfriend and I nearly broke up. And it has only been a few days since I realized that I wouldn’t be able to finish my SP on time; I had just recovered from the daze. And now this.

“Anak,” she finally said. I sobbed harder after hearing that word. She and I had a very fragile relationship and we both knew it. Ever since I started living away from home back in high school, our once strong bond had seemingly thinned to a thread. Hearing her utter that word at that moment reminded me that I can still hold on to that thread.

“Kahit ano pa ang mangyari, nanay mo ako. Mahal na mahal kita,” she said in gentle voice. That was enough to cast away all of my doubts. I had made the right decision in telling her.


I wish it ended with that, but my life, as I so often realize, is as far from a fairy tale as can be.

She wanted me to change, or rather, she tried to change me. She attempted to cloak it, probably because she did not want to add to the strain, but it wasn’t difficult to spot.

She told me to move to my cousin’s because she’d be more at ease knowing that I was being taken care of. The travel from my cousin’s to my school takes two hours. It would actually be more inconvenient as opposed to staying with my boyfriend in our apartment which just outside the university.

She once forwarded to me the number of one of my classmates from grade school. A girl. She said she just wanted to me to keep in touch with my friends from our town.

She suggested that we talk to someone to help us with our strained relationship. I agreed, and then asked if she knew any therapists. She said she was actually thinking of talking to a priest. I immediately withdrew my approval.

She broke down when I told her that I joined an LGBT organization in our university. I think that was the time she felt the full blow. I was gay and I was not going to change. She cried. It was heartbreaking to see someone as strong as her break down, but she had to understand that this was not something she could fix. It was not something that was broken in the first place.

“Paano ka na anak? Habang andito ako , alam mong ipagtatanggol kita. Paano pag wala na ako? Natatakot ako baka ano na mangyari sa iyo.”

I resolved not to cry. It was at the point that I resolved not to show her any weakness.

“Wag kang mag alala ma. Pinalaki mo akong matapang. Tayong dalawa lang naman ang magkasama mula pa noon, eh di kanino pa ba ako magmamana?” I said as I hugged her. I reassured her that everything will be alright, though it was not something that I entirely believed in either.


We are still pretty much shaky until now, more than a year after I came out. Coming out had further complicated our already complicated relationship. There are a lot of questions on both sides. But we’ll figure it out eventually. That’s what mothers and sons do.