Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Bad Guy

I am not yet ready.

Today I will talk to the man I was with for almost three years. He was the first man I really loved and we shared a lot of good times together. The best three years of my life. Well, the best almost-three-years. Almost-three-years that ended because of a stupid mistake.

Why did you do it? That’s the question that I’ve been answering for the past three weeks, as if we owe everyone an explanation. I’ve grown weary of answering, but I guess that’s part of all of this. When you have spent a very long time together, it’s not just the two of you who are in the relationship. Everyone around you becomes part of it. Our friends have grown too used to seeing us together, it’s almost impossible for them to think about one of us without thinking of the other. Those of them who have a really rotten luck at love see hope in us. As long as they see us happy and in love, they have a reason to believe that they’ll eventually find their own.

So why did I do it? I don’t really know. I got bored? I fell out of love? I know that sounds really mean, and I’m not going to defend myself. I did a very stupid thing. I threw away all those times we spent making our relationship work, all the good times we had. But I guess the most stupid thing I did was I cheated on someone who loved me so much. He gave all of himself to me, he held nothing back. He gave so much that I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve that much love. I’m a nobody, really. I’d like to think that I’m amazing, that I’m a great guy who everyone would love to be with, but that’s not me. That’s him. He’s the one who everyone has a crush on. He’s smart, good looking and passionate about what he does. He’s the one who can make you weak when he looks at you. He’s the one you would be proud to tell the world that he’s yours.

So that leads to the question, why did I choose to let go of such an amazing person? The thing is, after those years that we spent together, I came to realize that I’m not yet ready for a commitment. I was only twenty when our relationship started. Back then, I felt that I had so much love to give. Then came an amazing guy who was not only willing to accept that love, but also to love me back. I was very lucky. I can honestly say that I had everything anyone can want in a relationship. But in those happy months, there were moments when I started to feel that I tied myself too early. What if I were still single? What if I were still free? Those questions brewed in my mind for a long time, and I ultimately realized that I was not yet ready. Funny, it took me thirty-four months to realize it.

So now, I’m going to meet him and we are going to talk. He still wants me back, he’s ready to forgive me and start over. But I’m going to have to break his heart yet again. What I’m about to do makes no sense at all. I’m going to let go of something everyone wants. I’m turning my back on the man who gave me the happiest thirty-four months of my life. I know I’m going to be miserable after this, like I have been for the past three weeks. I’m going to miss him terribly. There will be many times when I will regret what I’m about to do. And I know that I might never find another man who will love me like this. But I am going to take that chance. It’s just fair for both of us. He deserves someone better than me, someone who will really appreciate his love, someone who would rather die than lose him. Someone who’s ready to be tied to him.

And as for me, I should not stay in the relationship just because I don’t want to be the bad guy. Yeah, I’m already the bad guy. Everyone seems to think so. That’s just another thing I’m going to have to deal with.