Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Bad Guy

I am not yet ready.

Today I will talk to the man I was with for almost three years. He was the first man I really loved and we shared a lot of good times together. The best three years of my life. Well, the best almost-three-years. Almost-three-years that ended because of a stupid mistake.

Why did you do it? That’s the question that I’ve been answering for the past three weeks, as if we owe everyone an explanation. I’ve grown weary of answering, but I guess that’s part of all of this. When you have spent a very long time together, it’s not just the two of you who are in the relationship. Everyone around you becomes part of it. Our friends have grown too used to seeing us together, it’s almost impossible for them to think about one of us without thinking of the other. Those of them who have a really rotten luck at love see hope in us. As long as they see us happy and in love, they have a reason to believe that they’ll eventually find their own.

So why did I do it? I don’t really know. I got bored? I fell out of love? I know that sounds really mean, and I’m not going to defend myself. I did a very stupid thing. I threw away all those times we spent making our relationship work, all the good times we had. But I guess the most stupid thing I did was I cheated on someone who loved me so much. He gave all of himself to me, he held nothing back. He gave so much that I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve that much love. I’m a nobody, really. I’d like to think that I’m amazing, that I’m a great guy who everyone would love to be with, but that’s not me. That’s him. He’s the one who everyone has a crush on. He’s smart, good looking and passionate about what he does. He’s the one who can make you weak when he looks at you. He’s the one you would be proud to tell the world that he’s yours.

So that leads to the question, why did I choose to let go of such an amazing person? The thing is, after those years that we spent together, I came to realize that I’m not yet ready for a commitment. I was only twenty when our relationship started. Back then, I felt that I had so much love to give. Then came an amazing guy who was not only willing to accept that love, but also to love me back. I was very lucky. I can honestly say that I had everything anyone can want in a relationship. But in those happy months, there were moments when I started to feel that I tied myself too early. What if I were still single? What if I were still free? Those questions brewed in my mind for a long time, and I ultimately realized that I was not yet ready. Funny, it took me thirty-four months to realize it.

So now, I’m going to meet him and we are going to talk. He still wants me back, he’s ready to forgive me and start over. But I’m going to have to break his heart yet again. What I’m about to do makes no sense at all. I’m going to let go of something everyone wants. I’m turning my back on the man who gave me the happiest thirty-four months of my life. I know I’m going to be miserable after this, like I have been for the past three weeks. I’m going to miss him terribly. There will be many times when I will regret what I’m about to do. And I know that I might never find another man who will love me like this. But I am going to take that chance. It’s just fair for both of us. He deserves someone better than me, someone who will really appreciate his love, someone who would rather die than lose him. Someone who’s ready to be tied to him.

And as for me, I should not stay in the relationship just because I don’t want to be the bad guy. Yeah, I’m already the bad guy. Everyone seems to think so. That’s just another thing I’m going to have to deal with.


  1. i've seen a handful of friends, straight and gay alike, whose long-term relationships ended. some after five years, some after seven years. and yep, while i tend to echo the rant of: how can you just let go of something so special like that, still i think that what you're doing is a brave thing.

    it takes a lot of balls to come to terms with the truth and end things. from the flipside, i must say, mas mahirap sa kaniyang isipin na napipilitan ka lang to stay. i know that feeling, iyong pinagtiyatiyagaan.

    so here's to you. be strong. be brave!

  2. Someone said something to me that forever got stuck in my head:

    "you will grieve not necessarily for the love you feel but maybe for the loss you'll deal (sic) with."

    You'll manage. Im sure you will... I have. :-)

  3. they said that you'll only know how important that person is when we lose them. and later we will think of how silly of us to take them for granted. that's why we entered relationships, not only to find that special someone but also to learn from it.

    and there's that kind of love that you're willing to sacrifice and let go because you know it's much better that way.

    you'll be okay. smile :D

  4. thanks everyone. yeah, i'll be okay. i can handle myself. i'm actually more worried about him. sinanay ko kasi siya na ako gumagawa ng lahat. sa akin na talaga siya naka-depend.

  5. naintindihan ko ang ang dahilan mo kung bakit gusto mong umalis sa 3 taong relasyon mo. nasabi mo dito lahat. and yeah, it think, dumarating sa punto talaga sa mga relasyon ang ganitong mga bagay. as ive always say to my friends, we all have choices, we all have decisions na kelangan once na gawin mo eh kelangan mong panindigan, maging tama man ito or mali.

    you'll be ok, everything wil be ok. :)

  6. Malalampasan mod in yan... Sa una talaga andun yung guilt. But eventually, you'll realize its for the best. Mareralize mong para sa ikabubuti nyong dalawa yan... mahirap, pero magiging okay din ang lahat..:)

  7. thanks. iilan lang ang nakaka intindi ng pakiramdam na maging kontrabida. it's not like i just said goodbye and moved on. i was hurt too and i'm still trying to cope, but that's something most people can't understand. it's as if i have no right to feel pain just because i chose to end things. the truth is i also have to deal with the daily reminders that he and i are no longer together. it was my choice, yes. but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

  8. keep yourself busy. surround yourself with good company para makaiwas sa lungkot. :)

    you're a really brave and honest guy mister. hugggg. you're going to be okay.

  9. this is a very honest post. and salute you for that.

    in time, your ex and the people who questioned your decision will understand.

    a warm hugs to you :)

  10. Hello hello baby... (ala lang kunyari lady gaga calling)

    --- -

    thanks sa pagdaan sa blog ko.

    i'll get back to read. promise. breakfast muna ako

  11. Care to exchange link? Ive added you to my blog roll already. Thanks!

  12. remind me of the song with lines "if you gonna hurt me, then do it quickly.."

    nakalimutan ko ung title hehe

    --- --

    love is not the only virtue in this world.. (i've broke hearts before and it feels weird I am commenting here.)

  13. @lasherations: i've added you to mine. =)

    @dabo: baby don't you break my heart slow lang ang alam ko. hehe. thanks for visiting.

  14. Ang tao ay hindi marunong makuntento. Kung meron man mga nakukuntento sa mga kinalalagyan nila ngayon, iyon ay dahil pagod na sila. Pagod na sila sa paulit ulit na kabiguan. Pagod na silang ibigay ang sarili nila. Pagod na silang mangarap.

    Ang tao rin ay likas na mahilig sumugal. Sumusugal sila sa pagnanasang maatim ang mga bagay na wala sila. Isusugal ang lahat mapatunayan lamang na sila ang magaling. Sila ang karapat dapat.

    Kelan ba dumarating ang panahon na kung saan makukuntento ang tao at hindi na siya susugal?

  15. hi jason,

    i felt compelled to comment because im in the exact same situation. i don't know you but in matters like this, love is truly universal.

    i'm more of your ex in this situation. but i've finally come to terms to let go after taking all the bullets (cheating, confusion etc). it's a painful learning process. but i'd like to believe nobody dies from a broken heart. :)

    i'll be looking forward to your next posts.

    “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions”


  16. ei,

    I admire you for doing that. It was indeed one of the hardest decisions. Thanks for this entry. It just made me realize some things. If you have time, please visit my site. Thanks again for sharing. :)