Monday, October 18, 2010

Kung Nagkataon

Kung nagkataong ginawa mo yun sa ibang gabi, hindi sana ganito ang kinahnatungan.

Kung nagktaong tinanggap mo ako bago ang gabing yun at hinayaan mo na amang akong bumawi pagkatapos nun, hindi sana nagkaganun.

Yun din naman pala ang gusto mo, sana yun na lang agad ang sinabi mo. Hdini na sana tayo nagkaganito.

Putangina, may pride din naman ako. Pakiramdam ko nagago ako nung bigla mo akong binalikan nung nakita mong may ibang nagkaintteres.

Hindi ako "nagtaksil ulit". Napagod ako at nung nakausap ko siya, pakiramdam ko nakapagpahinga ako.

Pero handa pa din akong talikuran siya nun. Kasi sayo nga ako. Kaso nakipagbalikan ka bigla.Para akong nagago. Parang pinahirapan mo lang talaga ako.

Tapos ako ulit ang kontrabida? Kasalanan ko na naman ang lahat? Ang lahat lahat?

Isang bwan na mahigit ang lumipas, pero oo, may galit pa din akong nararamdaman. Para kasing nawalan ng kwenta ang lahat ng pagsisilbi ko sayo. Kung makapagpost ka noon, parang hindi ka man lang sumaya sa akin. Parang bang inapi api lang kita. Basahin mo mga sarili mong entries noon, bakal sakaling maalala mo na may kwenta din pala akong tao.

At para sa lahat ng humusga sa akin nang di man lang nag-iisip na baka may ibang nangyari na hindi nila alam, ang bobobo niyo. Sa susunod, aalamin niyo muna ang kwento. Ang parehong panig.

Yan ang dahilan kung buakit nabuo ang blog na to. Para ipakita sa inyong lahat na totoong tao ako.HIndi ako isang tauhan lang sa kwento ng iba. May sarili din akng kwento.

At ito ang panig ko. I did not give you hell that weekend. You thought you were giving me a chance but you weren't. I must admit, for a time i believed you. Pero nung bigla kang nakipagbalikan, i realized you were just bent on making me suffer. Then when you felt threatend, bigla kang bumaliktad. biglang gusto mo na ako ulit.

Tingin mo hindi kita minahal? Tingin mo ganun kadali sa akin?

putangina, hanggnag ngayon di ko pa matapon tapon yung wrapper ng oreo na binigay mo sa akin sa bus. Hnaggang ngayon pinipilit ko pa ding ayusin ang napipigtas nang kwintas na binigay mo sa akin. At ara-waraw ko pa ding suot. Nagrerecord pa din ako ng matinong inside your heaven, para sana balang araw pag sakaling nagkaayos na tayo eh maiibigay ko sayo bilang kaibigan.

Sana masaya ka sa kung ano man ang ginagawa mo ngayon sa buhay mo. Ako, miserable pa din. Bitter pa din. Pathetic pa din. Sinusundan pa din kita sa blog mo at twitter mo. Parang tanga lang. Muntik na akong pumntang megamalll nung biyernes kasi baka totohanin mo ang pagpunta mo dun.

sana hindi ka mapahamak sa mga ginagawa mo. Alala mo ba yung taga myanmar? Sana mag-ingat kang hindi na maulit yun. hindi na kita mapoprotektahan ngayon.

Sana di na lang ako pumunta sa party nung gabing yun. Baka sakaling naging tayo ulit. Pero di ko lang din sigurado, kasi kung hindi mo pa nakitang kinakausap niya ako, baka hindi mo pa din ako tinatanggap hanggang ngaon.

Pero oo. Mahal pa din kita. putangina. mahal na mahal pa din. kung kaya ko lang talagang ibalik lahat sa simula.

To everyone, this will be my last post in this blog. Thank you, all of you, for taking the time to read my story. I leave my best to all of you. And I hope none of you will have to go through what we went through.

Ex Jason's story is finished. It did not have a happy ending. It just ended.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

as X approaches infinity

In keeping with my blog's emo streak for this week, here is something I wrote a couple of years ago, back when Ex Jason was still BF Jason. It was Christmas time then, and Ex and I were going through a rough patch. One afternoon, while waiting for my mom to come out from her office, I rented a PC in a nearby shop and typed away. I guess I've always been emo. Then I posted the entry in Friendster blog. Yeah, remember Friendster?

Here is the entry, in all its unedited glory.


self control has never been my best asset. in anything i do, i couldn’t quite catch the moderate level. right now, for instance, it’s Christmas time. food pours from every direction and i take them all with arms wide open, my mouth opened even wider. when i came here, i fit in my 30-inch pants just fine. now, i hardly breath whenever i wear my size-32. i’ve only been here a little over a week.

i took home with me five assignments; my professors were nice enough to make sure i don’t get bored during my eleven-day break. to make sure i did them on time, i made a little schedule that would let me finish all of them and give me enough spare time to lie uselessly on my bed, which is my favorite way of resting. today, four days from the end of my vacation, i still have 4 and a half assignments left. apparently, my estimates of the time i would need to finish them were faulty. i am currently trying to cramp all of them in my remaining vacant days.

i hate how it’s so hard to do things just right. nothing is ever just enough. i either give too much or too little. too much time thinking, too little time doing. doing too much without feeling anything. feeling too much and not thinking enough. and it doesn’t matter how hard i tried. no one gives credit to how hard one tries to do things right. a failure is a failure.

i wish everything were defined. i wish i knew exactly how much to give and how much to expect. i wish someone would measure everything i give and take, tell me to give more when i fall short. and when it’s too much, tell me to stop.

if i believe that everything will be alright, am i believing too much?

if i want to be happy forever, am i wanting too much?

if i give everything to keep things the way they are, am i giving too much?

if it hurts to know that i am not needed as much as i am in need, am i expecting too much?

if i love with everything that i have, am i loving too much?

or is it still not enough?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

On Goodbyes

There is something beautiful in goodbyes. The exquisite pain, the sadness, the void it leaves, and the recovery; the different colors that paint a dark yet wonderful picture. We long for them. And when the picture has faded, we wish to witness its beauty once more. And so we forge bonds once again, looking forward to the day when we finally say goodbye.

Monday, October 11, 2010

On My Way

I was standing at the same spot where I waited for my ex to come out for our date more than three years ago. It was at the side of the road, beside two small palm trees. On the other side was the gate to his apartment. The place has changed a bit since then. The payphone that used to be on the wall behind me was now gone. The gate that used to be barely above waist level was now seven feet high. But other than that, everything has pretty much stayed the same.

It was evening then too. It was going to be our first date. We were going to meet properly for the first time. I can still remember my nerves while I stood there. I shifted from leg to leg, taking long drags from my cigarette. I was worried as hell that he won’t like what he would see. I stalled. I smoked one stick first when I got there, then waited a few more minutes before I finally took out my phone and texted him that I was already outside.

I found myself smiling as I recalled the scene. I also had a cigarette in one hand and my phone in the other. And like that night, I was also stalling, taking my time at looking around the place and reminiscing. I recalled how I was in awe when he finally came out and walked to me. He was beautiful. I remembered how we walked together to our date, unaware that we will fall in love and share some of our happiest days together.

But that was more than three years ago. And my cigarette was almost out. I took one last puff before flicking it. I typed at my phone as I started walking.

“Hey Luis, I’m on my way.”

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

New Month's Resolution

It’s October already and I still haven’t really achieved anything yet. Yeah, I’m trying to search my memory right now but I can’t remember anything relevant happening to me besides the breakup and the post-breakup breakup. And the post-breakup-breakup non-rebound date. Notice how I got unnecessarily defensive.

Nine months of underachievement is enough. It’s time to get up and get moving, that’s why I’m putting together my to-do list for this month. I’ve sort of made lists like this before but this is the first time I’m writing it down. I heard it works better if you get to read it every day. I just hope I manage enough self control to follow it.

Wait, scratch that last. I should be positive about this. I’ll definitely pull this off. I’ll get myself out of this streak. I’ll be an improved guy by the end of this month.

So help me god.

1. Come to office on time.

Also, no more absences. In my one year of working, I have yet to experience receiving my full salary because of all my deductions from poor attendance. I checked the total money I lost to laziness this year and it was disheartening.

Action plan:

Set the alarm at five forty-five so that I’ll be fully awake by six. My shift starts at 8am and travel time from our place to the office is only around forty minutes. I should have enough time to get to the office a few minutes early.

But the problem isn’t as much in my wake-up time as it is in my sleeping time. I need at least six hours of sleep. I used to able to run on only three hours of sleep back in college but I just can’t seem to pull that off anymore. Must be me getting older. Sigh. That means I should be home by eleven thirty and asleep by midnight. There goes my social life. *sniff*

2. Reduce the number of nights I spend drinking.

Lately, I’ve been spending too many nights drinking with whomever. And it’s never just a couple of bottles; I always drink at least four. I had just recently come to accept that it’s not a good habit, considering that I have work and that my salary is not exactly suited for nightly parties in the city.

Action Plan:

Make Saturday night and Sunday night the only valid drinking nights. Other nights should be devoted to other activities, most preferably, sleeping.

3. Work out. Lose weight.

I’m a hunk trapped in a chunky body; if I could only get rid of this belt bag of fat. The sad thing is I’m actually enrolled in a gym. I have been since January. I was just too lazy to work out consistently. That’s why this month I’m going to get serious with the gym thing. Yeah, this is one of those resolutions that I’ve been consistently failing at. God, I really hope writing it down makes increases the success probability.

Action plan:

Work out every night from Tuesday to Friday, since those are the only nights when I’m in Manila. I should be out of the office by 6pm so that I’d be ready to work out by 7pm.

As for the diet, I’m not really sure how to go about this. Perhaps I should see a nutritionist. I guess my plan for now is not to eat more than three meals in a day. And no more pork.

4. Join a choir.

I was a choir singer back in college. I joined three choirs, actually, and, in the past few months, I’ve been missing singing with a group. However, I was hesitant because I felt that I was too old to still be singing in a choir.

But last night, I got to watch a video in YouTube that stuck in my memory. It was the original Moses Hogan Choir singing Elijah Rock. The choir members were, for lack of a euphemism, old. Like grandma and grandpa old. And yet they were still singing. I had an alleluia moment right there at the shabby internet shop and decided that I wanted to sing again. Singing is one of the few things that I’m good at, and I realized that I didn’t want to waste it.

Action Plan:

Look for choirs that are open for auditions. I have already started contacting my ex-choirmates. I’m going for hard core, brutal-training choir. My voice has gone rusty in the past months that I stopped singing so an intense rehab would be ideal.

Yeah, just in case there’s someone among you who is a choir member, please tell me how to audition in your choir. I’m a Bass 2. Please?

5. Improve my writing.

I’ve received comments from some guys here that I have potential in writing but also that I would need to learn plenty more techniques if I’m going to get serious at it. Well, if you have potential, might as well excel, right? So I’m going to start this month.

Action plan:

There was someone who was willing to tutor me. I hope the offer is still open.  At the end of this month, I will write a short story and have it critiqued by my writer friends. I hope I fair well.

Aw, suddenly I feel nervous.

6. Learn more about internet marketing.

This one is work-related. I am a programmer for the marketing department of an e-commerce company. Apparently, we have one of the best marketing teams in the country. I don’t really like my job here since I only get to use a tiny fraction of the skills that I learned in school, but I might as well make the most of my stay here. I’m going to learn as much e-commerce techniques as I can.

Action plan:

This one is already in progress. I have already borrowed a book from one of the managers in marketing. My goal is to finish the book this month and try to see how the concepts are applied in our website.

That should be enough for this month. Six goals.



Whatever. Bring it on!