You were not supposed to read my posts, but you did. I know you’ll read this one too.
You said you were hurt when you read one of my recent posts, that you felt like you were just my back up plan if I failed to get a date. That’s not true. I continued seeing you because I’m still happiest when I’m with you. You have always been my first choice.
Remember when I texted you while I was drunk? Yeah, you guessed right: I was drunk that night. It’s strange; I shouldn’t have remembered you at all. After all, I was drinking with my mom. That itself should have been distracting enough. But I remembered you, and how none of the dates I had even came close to you. It was frustrating. I was trying to look for someone who can make me forget about you, but they all just ended up reminding me how stupid I was for letting you go.
When you asked me why I wanted to be your boyfriend again, I was unable to give you a good answer. I tried, I’m sure you can tell by the way I stuttered, but my answer was probably insanely stupid because I don’t even remember what it was. I just remembered saying that I had been yearning to get back with you for a long time. You were not satisfied with that, and you left.
It was my HIV test ordeal, actually, that made me realize that you’re still the one I want to be with. It started the night after my failed attempt to get tested. I was scared that I might be dying. While I thought of my possibly impending death, thoughts of you relentlessly invaded my mind. And I realized that I didn’t want to die yet, and that it was because I still wanted to spend my years with you.
I was overjoyed when I received my test results the next day, because it meant that I had another chance at life, another chance to sort my life out. I wanted to start with you. I knew I had hurt you a lot and I wanted to make up for it. I wanted you back. I wanted to be the boyfriend that you deserved. I wanted to be that guy again.
You were already doubtful from the start, but even more so when you read about Luis in a recent post. You asked me why I still planned on dating him after everything I told you. My answer was, “I was only going to date him if you turned me down.”
I was an ass. I’m sorry.
Yeah, you probably won’t accept that apology anymore. Heck, you probably won’t even listen to anything I’ll say, or you might listen but you won’t care. I guess I deserve that.
I didn’t realize how angry you were at me until I read your entry this morning. I knew you wanted to hurt me. That’s what you do when you get mad. You punch me in the shoulder, you pound at my chest, you bite my arm until it bruises. Reading you entry was no different. I felt every blow.
I’m not sure if you will really do what you said you would do. You seemed dead serious, but I’m still hoping you won’t do it. I know we’re just bitter exes now, but I hope you’ll somehow remember that we were once lovers, and that our happiest days were with each other.
My first love letter was for you.
So was my first bouquet of roses.
Remember how I gave you flowers in front of all your friends on our second Valentine’s Day? That’s easily one of the happiest nights of my life.
You were the only guy I introduced to my friends as my boyfriend, and I think I was the first guy who did that to you.
I remember those afternoons we spent playing Pokemon. We only paused to eat. Our favorite merienda was RC and butterfly bread.
There was one time when I heard you absently chanting “Luncheon meat! Luncheon meat! Gusto ko ng luncheon meat!” so I bought a can for you. You were surprised how I knew that you were craving for it.
Whenever I went outside to smoke, you always went with me, even if you didn’t smoke. You said you just wanted to be at my side.
Funny, I’m not a guy who cries, you know that, but I can’t hold back my tears right now. I guess you’re still my weakness, after all. You were the first guy I truly loved. And I still love you.
I love you. I still love you. I never stopped loving you. I wish there was a way I can make you believe again.