Saturday, October 16, 2010

as X approaches infinity

In keeping with my blog's emo streak for this week, here is something I wrote a couple of years ago, back when Ex Jason was still BF Jason. It was Christmas time then, and Ex and I were going through a rough patch. One afternoon, while waiting for my mom to come out from her office, I rented a PC in a nearby shop and typed away. I guess I've always been emo. Then I posted the entry in Friendster blog. Yeah, remember Friendster?

Here is the entry, in all its unedited glory.


self control has never been my best asset. in anything i do, i couldn’t quite catch the moderate level. right now, for instance, it’s Christmas time. food pours from every direction and i take them all with arms wide open, my mouth opened even wider. when i came here, i fit in my 30-inch pants just fine. now, i hardly breath whenever i wear my size-32. i’ve only been here a little over a week.

i took home with me five assignments; my professors were nice enough to make sure i don’t get bored during my eleven-day break. to make sure i did them on time, i made a little schedule that would let me finish all of them and give me enough spare time to lie uselessly on my bed, which is my favorite way of resting. today, four days from the end of my vacation, i still have 4 and a half assignments left. apparently, my estimates of the time i would need to finish them were faulty. i am currently trying to cramp all of them in my remaining vacant days.

i hate how it’s so hard to do things just right. nothing is ever just enough. i either give too much or too little. too much time thinking, too little time doing. doing too much without feeling anything. feeling too much and not thinking enough. and it doesn’t matter how hard i tried. no one gives credit to how hard one tries to do things right. a failure is a failure.

i wish everything were defined. i wish i knew exactly how much to give and how much to expect. i wish someone would measure everything i give and take, tell me to give more when i fall short. and when it’s too much, tell me to stop.

if i believe that everything will be alright, am i believing too much?

if i want to be happy forever, am i wanting too much?

if i give everything to keep things the way they are, am i giving too much?

if it hurts to know that i am not needed as much as i am in need, am i expecting too much?

if i love with everything that i have, am i loving too much?

or is it still not enough?


  1. This struck something in me, but I can't put my finger on it.

  2. However, you can not deny that it gave you of a feeling too much.

    And simultaneously you believed you can go the extreme.

  3. let me take you to the forest of mathematics:

    1/∞ = 0

    remember that X is no longer a number. It is an idea. Therefore X is now undefined. No matter how hard you try finding for the answer, the answer gets closer and closer to 0.

    at the end of the day... the limit of 1/x as x approaches Infinity is....

    X = 0

  4. meaning X has no more value. he's gone. hahahaha

  5. ei. i like this. nicest post of the month. hahahaha. 10 stars for this.

  6. someone needs to be motivated and get the spanking he deserves. hehe. biro lang.

    para sa akin mas oks to give your best in doing things. and expect less. so that you'll not get disappointed in the end.

  7. when all the dust clears up,

    1/x -> 0 = ∞

    an infinity of of the good times shared etched in your memories.


  8. This post got me at Friendster. A couple of my friends from that site encouraged the self-defeating blog that I've been maintaining these years. I gather they got tired of my bitchfit bulletins, and so I did, had fun at it, got comments, and abandoned the Friendster Bulletins altogether.

  9. this made me smile wide wide wide.