5 Years Later

New Blog

Yeah, so I finally put up a new blog. I'm still working on it, actually. There are still quite a few things that I want to do with it. But it didn't feel right to continue posting here anymore so I decided to open the new one.

Here it is:

http://nishiboy.blogspot.com/

Bakasyon Na 'To!

At matapos ang tatlong taon, nakauwi din ako sa aking pinakamamahal na hometown.

Pasintabi po sa mga naka DSLR. Samsung Jet lang ang pinangkuha ko sa mga to.

 

Happy Holidays everyone! =)

The Story of My Blog

This will be quite long, but I hope you will read it to the end.

I haven’t really told you how I started this blog. Well I have, partly, but I want to tell about it anyway so here’s the whole story. It actually started with me spying on my ex’s blog; “spying” because I was not allowed to read it. It was supposed to be his personal space, one of the very few parts of his world where I was kept out. But when I got a job and had to live away from him, it started to feel like the parts of his world that I was allowed in were slowly shrinking.  So I decided to snoop around in the restricted areas.

One day, I decided that I did not only want to read what he writes, but also what he reads, so I followed the links in his blog roll. I remember coming across citybuoy and desoleboy from there. I read those blogs and, when I was done, went on to click on the links in their lists. I tend to do that a lot: follow links. I’d often read a Wikipedia article and find myself clicking on links and reading articles for the next few hours. My boss would attest to that.

My blog-hopping later led me to Darc’s place. The title was intriguing: “I Fell in Love with a Cyber-celebrity”.

 
It instantly reminded me of Agent Boytoy and his die-hard groupies.  I read Darc’s latest entry, expecting to read stalker thoughts, but it was about an old woman selling vegetables. I was confused, so I figured I should back-read to learn how the cyber-celebrity topic led to the old woman.  Before the day ended, I had read every single post. Never mind that he did not say much about the cyber-celebrity, he was a brilliant writer. I was hooked. I was a fan. I thought, “Shet, ang galing niya mag-English!”, and that became the first push for me. I had been severely out of practice at writing and my English was getting really rusty. Blogging seemed to be a good way to fix that.

 

Another reason behind the blog was my job. You see, I work as a programmer for the Marketing Department of a company that sells car parts through an e-commerce site. If you got lost in that last sentence, the only important keywords are “Marketing” and “e-commerce site”, which means making money through websites. For those of you who are familiar with the techniques, yes, that means SEO, web measurement, content, user experience, etc. 

My job works this way: the people from marketing decide that a new feature, for instance, a new banner, could help increase sales so they make one. Then they give it to me and I put it on the site. The problem there is that I am not part of coming up with the strategies, I only implement them; therefore I have little idea on how to use the techniques. Once again, blogging seemed to be a good way to practice. I knew the techniques; I just needed a site to use them on. If I do it right, I can increase the traffic of my blog. Then I can place ads. Ka-ching.

The final push came with the breakup. This is the part that some of you may know about. When ex poured his heart out in his posts, his followers posted words of support and encouragement. There’s nothing wrong with that, except that some of those words were blows directed to me. Nobody knew about me back then. I was just a character in my ex’s story. That’s why it was so easy for people to say things like “He’s not worth it” and “You deserve someone better”. I was like, “What the hell? These people don’t even know the whole story. They don’t even know me, and they’re saying that I’m no good?” I could not really blame them though. It was not their fault that they only knew one side. That was when I finally decided to put up my own blog. I was going to tell my side. I was going to write about myself and about the story from my point of view. Then, when I saw that they already knew me enough to make a proper judgement, I was going to introduce myself as the ex.

And so I signed up for blogger. That was the easy part. Thinking of a title and a display name proved to be a lot more difficult. For the personal part, I had to think of a name and a title that will tell my story in nutshell. For marketing purposes, they should be intriguing enough to make people want to read. That’s how I came up with “Ex Jason” and “His Worthless Ex”. Not my best, I know, but they were the best I can come up with. And they were enough to serve their purpose. I hope.

I got to work once everything was set up. My first three entries were my version of the break-up. The ones after that were stuff about me interspersed with break-up emoness. Everything was in English of course. By the third entry, I had people commenting about how I had a skill for writing. Ha! If you guys only knew just how many times I revise my entries before I publish them. Heck, I even edit them after. But I really appreciate the compliments. That’s one thing I really like about the people here: everyone is generous with compliments, even the best writers.

I was telling my side and I was practicing my English, now I had to market my blog. The most basic way to do that, of course, is to build links. I walked around the blogosphere, following and commenting on every blog that caught my interest. Soon, though, marketing became just my secondary reason for doing that. In my blog-hopping, I discovered just how much talent there was in this community. Honestly, I used to think somehow that majority of bloggers were just like gamers: people who had little life beyond the PC chair. As it turned out, I was mistaken. Everyone had his or her own genuinely interesting story to tell. Bloggers, I realized, are people who live amazing lives and tell about them. The amazing life is a prerequisite; otherwise there would be nothing to tell.

Everything worked out as planned. I gained followers and the number of page views I got rose steadily, which means that the marketing side was doing good. Good for a newbie, anyway. I was still nowhere near as good as the pros, but it was enough learning experience. With regard to my goal of improving my English, I got help from a few of the good writers. I also got good feedback, a lot better than what I expected. For the telling-my-side part, people, even those who told my ex that his ex was worthless, started to understand my side, or at least that was what they said in their comments. I think this was thanks in part to the recently released song by Juris.
 

Needless to say, putting up this blog and writing those entries have been a great experience. However, I think it has already served its main purpose, which was to tell my side. I had already revealed myself three months ago. The breakup is now a thing of the distant past and there will be no more need to write about it. Also, I realized that I can’t use this blog as the rat for my marketing experiments because it does not sell anything. I will have to practice on some other site that has a more clearly-defined niche.

So, is this another phony farewell post? Don’t worry, it’s not. I will not stop blogging. Why should I? I still have a lot of stories to tell! But they no longer need to be told under this blog’s title. I’m going to make a new blog. This time I will have no other purpose other than to share bits of my life. No more half-assed attempts at marketing. And this time, it will no longer have the word “Ex” attached to it. I don’t yet know exactly when this is going to happen. I will be pretty busy these coming days, so it will probably be next year, which means I will be posting a few more times here before I move.

Whatever the case, I really hope you will still follow my new blog when it finally happens. 

Top 10: Short Stories

Ha! I had a lot of fun putting this list together. I’m not really much of a reader, but I was lucky that we were required to read some really good short stories (mostly written by Filipino writers) when I was in high school. Eight of the stories here were from back then and reading them again after a long time brought back a lot of memories. I remember how we discussed them in class and how intense those discussions sometimes went.

I won’t give out summaries and critiques because (1) I don’t want to spoil anyone, and (2) I’m not really a very reliable critic and I would not want to influence anyone with my inept assessments. I found links though so you can read them if you like. These short stories are actually not that short so they will consume a bit of your time, but they are worth reading.



My Top Ten Favorite Short Stories


10. Ang Kalupi by Benjamin Pascual

This was used by a schoolmate for her “doble-kara” monologue. She played the part of Aling Marta and little Andres. Of course, she played Andres as a girl, so I suppose it was an Andrea. I found the story later in a textbook and I swear I felt like bitch-slapping Aling Marta after I read it. Isang giant echoserang frog!


9. Yumayapos Ang Takipsilim by Genoveva Edroza Matute

A very sad story about how people who used to love you and whom you used to take care of will eventually see you as nothing but a useless weight bag. To be more specific, about how parents get left behind. This story hit me hard because I was so close to my mother and I could not imagine this happening to her. Once again, it's the rainbow bond between gay guys and their moms. Unfortunately, I can't find a copy of this online. I have a book but I don't want to be sued for IP. I expect most of you have read this, though. This is a pretty common story in HS curricula.


8. Pula, Puti, Blu at Marami Pang Korol by Lav Diaz

This story is something you would expect to see in an indie film or in a TV documentary. It bluntly showed how ugly the lives of street children can get and it really stuck with me. I still remember it whenever I see beggar kids. Also whenever I cross an overpass and watch the blur of lights from the cars below.


7. Moses Moses by Rogelio Sikat

I read this one in a textbook for Filipino. I don’t actually remember how I got that book. Hmm.. Anyway, this one was a bit disturbing. I still don’t fully understand why the mother did that in the end. I guess she preferred that she did it herself than see someone else do it. It was still really drastic though. I mean, what if she just assumed wrong?


6. Utos Ng Hari by Jun Cruz Reyes

This story caught our interest because the description of the school where it was set was suspiciously close to ours. The school in the story had worse teachers, though. I mean, we had our issues with our faculty but as far as I knew they were nowhere near those in the story. But I still really liked it because it effectively captured the angst of high school students.


5. May Day Eve by Nick Joaquin

 A story of how love can be a struggle. Though this story was set in colonial times, it evokes familiar emotions. Yes, the times when love and war feel the same, I suppose we are all familiar with that.


4. Autumn Mountain

This was about a man who heard stories of a beautiful painting. He later on met someone who had actually seen the painting once and who has been searching for it ever since so he can marvel at its beauty once again. The first man joined the second in his search, and all throughout, the second described the painting in detail to the first. This only fuelled the first man’s desire to see the painting himself. They finally find it one day, but both are disappointed at what they see.

Unfortunately, I could not find this one online, hence the half-assed summary. I think it was a Japanese story. Anyway, it led to the term “na-autumn mountain” which we used within our circle when talk about something (usually a movie or a supposedly cute peerson) that fails our expectations.


3. Wedding Dance by Amador Daguio

This is another story about love’s complexities. This time, it’s about how unfair the world can be to lovers, like “you and me against the world” and the world won. We sometimes let the world win, for whatever reason we may have. But it makes you ask afterwards if things would have been better had you kept on fighting. Okay, those last two sentences have nothing to do with the story.


2. The World Is an Apple by Alberto Florentino

This is actually a play we did in high school for our English class. I was supposed to play Mario, the good guy, but I suffered a week-long asthma attack and had to be recast as Pablo, the bad guy, who doesn’t appear until halfway into the play. This play only had three characters so we were the group with the least actors, but we came out as the best group in our class. Our teacher said we were all effective in our roles. I must admit, it felt really good to play the bad guy.

My favorite line was, “Living? You call this living? This, Gloria, is what you call dying. Dying slowly, minute by minute.” There was supposed to be a laugh after that but I dropped it. I couldn't pull off an evil laugh.


1. Dead Stars by Paz Marquez Benitez

Ah, yes, my absolute favorite. Like “na-autumn mountain”, “na-dead stars” also became a term that we used.  Okay, I’ll stop there. I can’t think of a way to say more without spoiling it for those who might be interested. Just go ahead and read it; it’s a beautiful story.




<3

Pirata Ba Kamo?

Company Christmas party. Ang theme ay Hollywood movies. Pipili ng isang movie ang bawat team at yun ang gagayahin nila. Ang pinili ng teammates ko eh Pirates of the Caribbean. Kahit daw hindi na magaya yung characters basta dapat naka pirata kami.

Bilang tamad akong maghanap ng costume at bilang wala akong kahit konting creativity sa katawan, nagpatulong ako sa mga tao para makabuo ng get-up. May mga mabubuting loob naman na tumulong sa akin at nagpahiram ng mga gamit. I-improvise na lang daw namin.

Una, sabi ng housemate ko, pwede na daw ang leather shoes. So hinanap ko tong sapatos ko na huli kong nakita nung graduation nung April.

Binilhan ako ni Honey, ang best friend ko sa team ng corduroy na jacket nung nag ukay ukay siya. Nagjajacket daw ang mga pirata, tapos eto binili niya para pwede ko din daw gamiting pang-opisina.

Kelangan daw ng maluwag na pants. Eh ang kaso, puro sakto lang sakin lahat ng pants ko. So pinahiram ako ng housemate ko ng slacks na maluwag.

Dinalhan ako ng team lead namin ng scarf. Hindi ko to alam, pero sabi niya nagsscarf daw ang mga pirata.

Camisa de chino ng boyfriend ni Honey, pinahiram niya sakin. Naka white na top daw ang mga pirata.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang inimagine nilang magiging itsura ko dapat. Nag attempt din naman akong magpatulong kina Honey at sa team lead namin nung nagbibihis ako. Kaso, eto ang kinalabasan ko:

picture removed

Kami yan ni Honey. Nung nakita nila ako, sabi nila nakakatuwa daw ako tingnan kaya wag ko na lang daw baguhin. Kunwari daw ako yung Koreanong kinidnap nila.

Relive, Try

I only wanted to remember how they felt like. I did not know that they would not be the same. Or perhaps I did, but just gave it a try anyway.


I wanted to remember what it felt like to be kissed, so I kissed my friend. It was at the back of a bar, while everyone else was inside, dancing. It had been a long time since I kissed someone and I wanted to experience it again before I completely forgot how it felt like. I held his chin, leaned over slowly and kissed him. His lips were soft. His tongue tasted of beer and his breath had the scent of cigarette. His fingers ran through my hair while my hand held his face.

The kiss was sweet. It happened the way I wanted it to happen. But it was empty.


I wanted to remember what if felt like to be hugged, so I asked for a hug from my teammate. She found me slumped at my station. She asked me if I was alright. I told her that I was not feeling well. I had been working long hours for the past few days but I was still unable to cope with the load. To add the icing to that bitter cake, I caught a cold that morning and was all lethargic from the medicine. I held out my arms and asked for a hug, longing desperately for comfort. She hugged me, held me tight for several minutes.

The hug was every bit as warm as I hoped it would be. I felt my friend’s love as she tried to comfort me. But it did not feel the way I hoped it would.


I wanted to remember what it felt like to have someone sing for me. That’s why I was thrilled when a guy dedicated his song in the videoke to me. We had been dating for a few weeks already and I knew that he had an amazing voice.  Our friends were teasing us and I could not keep from smiling. He sang a love song, a ballad that suited his voice perfectly. He hit all the right notes and the dynamics were heartfelt. Everyone clapped when the song ended.

It should have been better than that other song that another guy sang for me, but it was not. It did not even come close. Because it did not mean anything.


I wanted to remember what it felt like to take a long walk with someone and just talk about anything, so when a guy told me that he wanted us to talk before we went home, I said yes. It was the morning after a night of partying and everyone else had left. He told me earlier that he liked me and I was impressed by his courage and by his rather unexpected approach. We walked and talked for an hour. There were jokes and laughter, and then there were more serious moments.

I enjoyed every minute of our walk, but as I went home, I remembered that it was supposed to feel a lot better.


Futile. Of course it was. They were no more than synthetic moments, failed imitations of those that I hold in my memories. Good memories cannot be designed, after all. They just happen, and I will have to wait until they start happening to me again.

Grown-up Nightmare

I woke up to the sound of something hitting the door. It was a soft sound, but it was enough to break the dawn’s silence. I groped for my phone to check the time; it was still four –thirty in the morning. Deciding that I just imagined the sound, I went back to sleep.

But I was woken up once again, this time by the sound of the door opening. Still groggy, I glanced at my roommates and saw through their silhouettes that they were still asleep on their beds. That was enough to have me fully awake in a split second. Our landlady had warned us a few days before that there had been a series of thefts in our neighbourhood and that her son had seen a suspicious-looking guy lurking outside the house for the past few nights.

I tried to stay calm. I fixed my gaze at my laptop, which was beside me. My head was turned away from the door, so there was no way for me to check without being noticed if someone had already broken in. If a thief had indeed broken into our room, he would go for my laptop first. Its small twinkling light was easy to spot in the dark. What I would do though if I did see it getting stolen was something I did not think about.

I started to hear footsteps. I heard the sound of our slippers being pushed aside and my empty cigarette packs on the floor being stepped on. Each step sounded closer than the one before it.

I tried to ready myself. I still had no idea what I would do if I felt someone reach over me to grab my laptop, or if I felt heard the footsteps stop beside me. I realized I should have gotten up after I heard the sound at the door, but it was too late. I wanted to wake my roommates up, I wanted to get up and stop whoever had broken into our room, but I could not move. I was paralyzed by cold fear.

The footsteps stopped. I listened for any other sound but there was nothing. I stayed still, almost praying that I won’t feel a knife stabbing at the back or a belt choking my neck from behind. I strained my ears trying to catch any sound, but minutes passed and there was only silence. It was just my imagination, I told myself. I took deep breaths, cursing the horror movies I watched that had left me paranoid. I rolled over until I was lying on my back; slowly, just in case there was indeed a madman in our room.  After staying still for a few more seconds, I started to slowly reach for my phone.

Then someone was pinning me down, weighing down on my chest. I could not breathe. I panicked. I tried to struggle but I could not move at all. I tried to feel my arms. They were not restrained but I can’t move them. I tried to see who he was but it was pitch-black. My eyes had been shut and I could not open them. Desperate, I tried to scream but no voice came out. Still, I kept trying to call out to my roommates.

It was then that I heard his voice, the voice of the one who was on top of me. He was mocking me, calling out my roommates’ names as I was struggling to scream them.

Exhaustion slowly took over me. I struggled for a few more moments until, eventually, I stopped trying to scream. I stopped trying to open my eyes. I stopped struggling altogether. Then, finally, I stopped trying to breathe. I had given up. But as I was lying there, blinded, unable to move, unable to scream, and running out of air, I realized that I was no longer afraid. The fear that had drenched me earlier was gone.

I was turned on.

His chest was on mine and I felt it move as he breathed. His strong hands were on my shoulders, holding me down. I reached up and touched them. I let my fingers trail up his arms, all the way to his shoulders, lingering for a moment before I slowly reached up to his face.

But it was over before I could touch him. My eyes were open. I can breathe. I can move. Outside, the sky was already starting to get light. I sat up, confused at what just happened.

Putangina, tigang na ata talaga ako. Pati bangungot muntik pang maging wet dream.

Banat

Bakit ang sungit nung kaibigan mo?

Ewan nga eh. May prolema ba siya sayo?

Wala. Kinakausap ko nga siya kanina eh. Baka naman sayo siya may problema.

Wala yun. Ok kami nun. Pero ako, may problema ako sayo.

O ano'ng problema mo?


 

Kasi ngayon... type kita.





Yun naman eh.

Randy Blue, Kylie Minogue

A friend shared this video with me and I just have to spread the love. I've had this song playing on repeat for days already so this was definitely a good surprise.

Ang ku-cute nila. Lol.

Kanta: Tensionado

Talent portion muna tayo. Nirecord ito sa videoke session namin ni Alter.

Mejo nakainom ako niyan kaya may mga flat at isang major major sharp. At patapos na ang kantahan namin kaya paos na.

Yes, kailangang mag explain.

Videoke, alak, yosi. Solb.

24 on 24

I hope I get at least one more today. =D

To another year of braving this phase called life!

Papampam

Yeah, so I have finally come to accept that I can’t run from my past. Or pretend that none of it happened. Went through denial for a month, now I’m going to try and deal with all of this again. And yeah, this blog really helps. I didn’t realize how much writing helped until I stopped it.

Ex Jason is back. I know I said that my previous post will be my last, but it’s my first offense. I’m hoping you guys can just let me get off with a warning.

Kung Nagkataon

Kung nagkataong ginawa mo yun sa ibang gabi, hindi sana ganito ang kinahnatungan.

Kung nagktaong tinanggap mo ako bago ang gabing yun at hinayaan mo na amang akong bumawi pagkatapos nun, hindi sana nagkaganun.

Yun din naman pala ang gusto mo, sana yun na lang agad ang sinabi mo. Hdini na sana tayo nagkaganito.

Putangina, may pride din naman ako. Pakiramdam ko nagago ako nung bigla mo akong binalikan nung nakita mong may ibang nagkaintteres.

Hindi ako "nagtaksil ulit". Napagod ako at nung nakausap ko siya, pakiramdam ko nakapagpahinga ako.

Pero handa pa din akong talikuran siya nun. Kasi sayo nga ako. Kaso nakipagbalikan ka bigla.Para akong nagago. Parang pinahirapan mo lang talaga ako.

Tapos ako ulit ang kontrabida? Kasalanan ko na naman ang lahat? Ang lahat lahat?

Isang bwan na mahigit ang lumipas, pero oo, may galit pa din akong nararamdaman. Para kasing nawalan ng kwenta ang lahat ng pagsisilbi ko sayo. Kung makapagpost ka noon, parang hindi ka man lang sumaya sa akin. Parang bang inapi api lang kita. Basahin mo mga sarili mong entries noon, bakal sakaling maalala mo na may kwenta din pala akong tao.

At para sa lahat ng humusga sa akin nang di man lang nag-iisip na baka may ibang nangyari na hindi nila alam, ang bobobo niyo. Sa susunod, aalamin niyo muna ang kwento. Ang parehong panig.

Yan ang dahilan kung buakit nabuo ang blog na to. Para ipakita sa inyong lahat na totoong tao ako.HIndi ako isang tauhan lang sa kwento ng iba. May sarili din akng kwento.

At ito ang panig ko. I did not give you hell that weekend. You thought you were giving me a chance but you weren't. I must admit, for a time i believed you. Pero nung bigla kang nakipagbalikan, i realized you were just bent on making me suffer. Then when you felt threatend, bigla kang bumaliktad. biglang gusto mo na ako ulit.

Tingin mo hindi kita minahal? Tingin mo ganun kadali sa akin?

putangina, hanggnag ngayon di ko pa matapon tapon yung wrapper ng oreo na binigay mo sa akin sa bus. Hnaggang ngayon pinipilit ko pa ding ayusin ang napipigtas nang kwintas na binigay mo sa akin. At ara-waraw ko pa ding suot. Nagrerecord pa din ako ng matinong inside your heaven, para sana balang araw pag sakaling nagkaayos na tayo eh maiibigay ko sayo bilang kaibigan.

Sana masaya ka sa kung ano man ang ginagawa mo ngayon sa buhay mo. Ako, miserable pa din. Bitter pa din. Pathetic pa din. Sinusundan pa din kita sa blog mo at twitter mo. Parang tanga lang. Muntik na akong pumntang megamalll nung biyernes kasi baka totohanin mo ang pagpunta mo dun.

sana hindi ka mapahamak sa mga ginagawa mo. Alala mo ba yung taga myanmar? Sana mag-ingat kang hindi na maulit yun. hindi na kita mapoprotektahan ngayon.

Sana di na lang ako pumunta sa party nung gabing yun. Baka sakaling naging tayo ulit. Pero di ko lang din sigurado, kasi kung hindi mo pa nakitang kinakausap niya ako, baka hindi mo pa din ako tinatanggap hanggang ngaon.

Pero oo. Mahal pa din kita. putangina. mahal na mahal pa din. kung kaya ko lang talagang ibalik lahat sa simula.


To everyone, this will be my last post in this blog. Thank you, all of you, for taking the time to read my story. I leave my best to all of you. And I hope none of you will have to go through what we went through.

Ex Jason's story is finished. It did not have a happy ending. It just ended.

as X approaches infinity

In keeping with my blog's emo streak for this week, here is something I wrote a couple of years ago, back when Ex Jason was still BF Jason. It was Christmas time then, and Ex and I were going through a rough patch. One afternoon, while waiting for my mom to come out from her office, I rented a PC in a nearby shop and typed away. I guess I've always been emo. Then I posted the entry in Friendster blog. Yeah, remember Friendster?

Here is the entry, in all its unedited glory.

************************

self control has never been my best asset. in anything i do, i couldn’t quite catch the moderate level. right now, for instance, it’s Christmas time. food pours from every direction and i take them all with arms wide open, my mouth opened even wider. when i came here, i fit in my 30-inch pants just fine. now, i hardly breath whenever i wear my size-32. i’ve only been here a little over a week.

i took home with me five assignments; my professors were nice enough to make sure i don’t get bored during my eleven-day break. to make sure i did them on time, i made a little schedule that would let me finish all of them and give me enough spare time to lie uselessly on my bed, which is my favorite way of resting. today, four days from the end of my vacation, i still have 4 and a half assignments left. apparently, my estimates of the time i would need to finish them were faulty. i am currently trying to cramp all of them in my remaining vacant days.

i hate how it’s so hard to do things just right. nothing is ever just enough. i either give too much or too little. too much time thinking, too little time doing. doing too much without feeling anything. feeling too much and not thinking enough. and it doesn’t matter how hard i tried. no one gives credit to how hard one tries to do things right. a failure is a failure.

i wish everything were defined. i wish i knew exactly how much to give and how much to expect. i wish someone would measure everything i give and take, tell me to give more when i fall short. and when it’s too much, tell me to stop.



if i believe that everything will be alright, am i believing too much?

if i want to be happy forever, am i wanting too much?

if i give everything to keep things the way they are, am i giving too much?

if it hurts to know that i am not needed as much as i am in need, am i expecting too much?

if i love with everything that i have, am i loving too much?


or is it still not enough?

On Goodbyes

There is something beautiful in goodbyes. The exquisite pain, the sadness, the void it leaves, and the recovery; the different colors that paint a dark yet wonderful picture. We long for them. And when the picture has faded, we wish to witness its beauty once more. And so we forge bonds once again, looking forward to the day when we finally say goodbye.

On My Way

I was standing at the same spot where I waited for my ex to come out for our date more than three years ago. It was at the side of the road, beside two small palm trees. On the other side was the gate to his apartment. The place has changed a bit since then. The payphone that used to be on the wall behind me was now gone. The gate that used to be barely above waist level was now seven feet high. But other than that, everything has pretty much stayed the same.

It was evening then too. It was going to be our first date. We were going to meet properly for the first time. I can still remember my nerves while I stood there. I shifted from leg to leg, taking long drags from my cigarette. I was worried as hell that he won’t like what he would see. I stalled. I smoked one stick first when I got there, then waited a few more minutes before I finally took out my phone and texted him that I was already outside.

I found myself smiling as I recalled the scene. I also had a cigarette in one hand and my phone in the other. And like that night, I was also stalling, taking my time at looking around the place and reminiscing. I recalled how I was in awe when he finally came out and walked to me. He was beautiful. I remembered how we walked together to our date, unaware that we will fall in love and share some of our happiest days together.

But that was more than three years ago. And my cigarette was almost out. I took one last puff before flicking it. I typed at my phone as I started walking.

“Hey Luis, I’m on my way.”

New Month's Resolution

It’s October already and I still haven’t really achieved anything yet. Yeah, I’m trying to search my memory right now but I can’t remember anything relevant happening to me besides the breakup and the post-breakup breakup. And the post-breakup-breakup non-rebound date. Notice how I got unnecessarily defensive.

Nine months of underachievement is enough. It’s time to get up and get moving, that’s why I’m putting together my to-do list for this month. I’ve sort of made lists like this before but this is the first time I’m writing it down. I heard it works better if you get to read it every day. I just hope I manage enough self control to follow it.

Wait, scratch that last. I should be positive about this. I’ll definitely pull this off. I’ll get myself out of this streak. I’ll be an improved guy by the end of this month.

So help me god.


1. Come to office on time.

Also, no more absences. In my one year of working, I have yet to experience receiving my full salary because of all my deductions from poor attendance. I checked the total money I lost to laziness this year and it was disheartening.

Action plan:

Set the alarm at five forty-five so that I’ll be fully awake by six. My shift starts at 8am and travel time from our place to the office is only around forty minutes. I should have enough time to get to the office a few minutes early.

But the problem isn’t as much in my wake-up time as it is in my sleeping time. I need at least six hours of sleep. I used to able to run on only three hours of sleep back in college but I just can’t seem to pull that off anymore. Must be me getting older. Sigh. That means I should be home by eleven thirty and asleep by midnight. There goes my social life. *sniff*


2. Reduce the number of nights I spend drinking.

Lately, I’ve been spending too many nights drinking with whomever. And it’s never just a couple of bottles; I always drink at least four. I had just recently come to accept that it’s not a good habit, considering that I have work and that my salary is not exactly suited for nightly parties in the city.

Action Plan:

Make Saturday night and Sunday night the only valid drinking nights. Other nights should be devoted to other activities, most preferably, sleeping.


3. Work out. Lose weight.

I’m a hunk trapped in a chunky body; if I could only get rid of this belt bag of fat. The sad thing is I’m actually enrolled in a gym. I have been since January. I was just too lazy to work out consistently. That’s why this month I’m going to get serious with the gym thing. Yeah, this is one of those resolutions that I’ve been consistently failing at. God, I really hope writing it down makes increases the success probability.

Action plan:

Work out every night from Tuesday to Friday, since those are the only nights when I’m in Manila. I should be out of the office by 6pm so that I’d be ready to work out by 7pm.

As for the diet, I’m not really sure how to go about this. Perhaps I should see a nutritionist. I guess my plan for now is not to eat more than three meals in a day. And no more pork.


4. Join a choir.

I was a choir singer back in college. I joined three choirs, actually, and, in the past few months, I’ve been missing singing with a group. However, I was hesitant because I felt that I was too old to still be singing in a choir.

But last night, I got to watch a video in YouTube that stuck in my memory. It was the original Moses Hogan Choir singing Elijah Rock. The choir members were, for lack of a euphemism, old. Like grandma and grandpa old. And yet they were still singing. I had an alleluia moment right there at the shabby internet shop and decided that I wanted to sing again. Singing is one of the few things that I’m good at, and I realized that I didn’t want to waste it.

Action Plan:

Look for choirs that are open for auditions. I have already started contacting my ex-choirmates. I’m going for hard core, brutal-training choir. My voice has gone rusty in the past months that I stopped singing so an intense rehab would be ideal.

Yeah, just in case there’s someone among you who is a choir member, please tell me how to audition in your choir. I’m a Bass 2. Please?


5. Improve my writing.

I’ve received comments from some guys here that I have potential in writing but also that I would need to learn plenty more techniques if I’m going to get serious at it. Well, if you have potential, might as well excel, right? So I’m going to start this month.

Action plan:

There was someone who was willing to tutor me. I hope the offer is still open.  At the end of this month, I will write a short story and have it critiqued by my writer friends. I hope I fair well.

Aw, suddenly I feel nervous.


6. Learn more about internet marketing.

This one is work-related. I am a programmer for the marketing department of an e-commerce company. Apparently, we have one of the best marketing teams in the country. I don’t really like my job here since I only get to use a tiny fraction of the skills that I learned in school, but I might as well make the most of my stay here. I’m going to learn as much e-commerce techniques as I can.

Action plan:

This one is already in progress. I have already borrowed a book from one of the managers in marketing. My goal is to finish the book this month and try to see how the concepts are applied in our website.


That should be enough for this month. Six goals.

Daunting.

Exciting.

Whatever. Bring it on!

Payslip

Putangina. Halos kalahati lang sinweldo ko. Paano ako mabubuhay nito?


Palimos po. Spare me a piece of bread.

Bisaya Christmas Song

Maayong pasko!
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Maayong paskooooo!!
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MAAYONG PASKOOOOO!!!